What is Silent Sunday?
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It’s a subject which will baffle me to the ends of my days. And it’s also something I wonder if I’m far too fussy about.
See, I know what I want in love, and I know what I don’t want. However, if someone wants something so bad, would they not just take whatever they can get? You would think so. I certainly thought so.
But then I keep proving myself wrong, or being super full of doubt.
I guess what I need or want is for someone to show me the kind of love I can actually relate to, in order to better understand it. Perhaps. For example, I don’t want someone to buy me a million expensive gifts. However I know that for some it’s the only way to express it. I understand that much. But it doesn’t work for me. I want someone to hold my hand, and look at me like I’m the most important thing in the world. I want someone to be by my side, and feel weirdly proud to be there. I want someone with a sense of adventure to rival my own, spurring us on to bigger and better things. I want someone who understands when I’m frustrated, and will talk to me, WE will talk things through, to come to an understanding. I want someone to work with as a team, always helping maintain foundations so that we remain strong.
The thing is, The Mr is great. He’s really lovely. But I’ve changed so much from where I was, to who I am now. The problem is all mine; back then I didn’t actually know who I was, OR what I wanted. Today, I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so sure. What makes all of this hard, is that on realising this, I am now really sad and really lonely. What makes all of this weird, is hearing people say “oh you’re so pretty, you’re so beautiful, you’re so hot, blah blah…” and I don’t believe any of it. Because I constantly ask myself the question “well what the fuck is wrong with me?”
I don’t blame anyone for the position I am in now.
Over the last week or two, I’ve wondered if I’m actually making a huge mistake, and should I just suck it up, deal with it, and go back to trying to make the marriage work. but then I look at all the reasons why I am stepping away from it, and know that I can’t go back to all of that.
I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m terrified. Will I love again? Will anyone love me again? Will anyone love me the way I want and/or need? Should I give up now? Should I take what I can get? Should I just settle?
There’s a great big adventure for me out there, with The Smalls in tow, too. They won’t be there every step of the way, because, well, they will be with their dad from time to time. I’m not fighting for them, because I don’t need to. We’re agreed on how they will spend their time with each parent. But even there, is something that makes me wonder. Am I still loveable? Will anyone fall IN love with me, DESPITE being a Single Mom Of Two? Am I seen as damaged goods now? Is that even still stigma, like it was when I was a kid, or is that the norm now?
I don’t have many friends, and I’m not entirely sure why. People all over the place ask me to make sure I stay in touch, or send me messages, or whatever. And yet, I struggle to stay connected with them. Doubt sets in, I question silences (mine and theirs) in my mind, and become exhausted with it all so quickly. I don’t have a “bestie from school days”, I don’t have “an old mate whom I’ve known since I was 3”. There are the few friends who I speak to, whom I do love dearly. But why is it so hard to maintain? Why do I feel so shitty when it comes to wanting to reach out to them?
Right now, all I want to do is call someone, anyone, and say “you know what? I feel like shit. Please can you just listen to me rant, just for a little bit, and then I’ll shut up and go away? I might cry a bit, but I promise I won’t keep you for long.”
The stupidest thing is to sit here whining and complaining about feeling unloved, but not actually doing anything about it.
I actually feel kind of trapped by that, because there’s clearly something stupid going on in my brain. Something is misfiring, and I think I know what (childhood issues) but I’ll be farked if I know what to do about it.
I hate feeling this level of lonely, given how much of a social butterfly I can be. Maybe that’s my problem; maybe I need to stop flying. Maybe I just need to settle in one place, stop moving and hope something develops. The thing is, I don’t have much patience for hanging around. I also don’t feel I can watch the rest of the world go by, whilst I “wait for something to happen, whatever that something might be.
When I love people, I love them fiercely. I love them A LOT. It’s safe to say that, if you’ve ever been caught up in my love radar, you will know it straight away. You might not believe it, and you will most likely be scared of it. But you’ll know it. And I understand the different kinds of love I’ve fired out at people, too. It’s all a bit Love, Actually; sometimes it’s a friend, sometimes it’s for want of a lover, sometimes it’s for a soul mate, sometimes it’s for a person I just want to be with, sometimes it’s one of many others. I understand them all, having experience all of them at some point, to varying degrees.
I sometimes wish I hadn’t.
I feel sometimes I perhaps scare people away. In an age where people live on distance and communicate only by technology, I would imagine I scare people away quite easily. Is it me? Is it my personality? Am I too much to hang around with? Can you not deal with being around me?
I had a conversation ages ago about being friends with men who feel they need to keep me hush-hush. I found that weird and hard to deal with. I have/had friendships where I’m not allowed to message at a certain time, or can only talk on the phone at certain times, or if we meet for lunch/dinner/a pint, I’m not allowed to mention it. Under the assumption that I’m out to steal them? I don’t know. I asked one friend and he said it was most likely because his girlfriend would be jealous. Even though I have no interest in anything more than a friendship. So again, I ask myself, what the fuck am I doing wrong? Why is it so hard to find someone to love me as a friend without feeling fear? Forget trying to find someone who could love me as a partner, because that seems to be crazy talk in any case?
I’m going round in circles now, not even understanding my own thoughts. Not understanding where I am at with it all, or where I’m supposed to be going.
All I know is that I want to find someone I can match/someone who can match me. Friend, lover, life partner – I don’t even care now. I just want someone who can understand me, in order for me to be able to be myself, and return whatever is given. I have a lot to give. I have so much love to give. So very much. And yet, it always seems to fall on people who throw me away, or can’t accept it, or don’t want to know.
I doesn’t get easier, it gets different. I guess.
Yeah it’s another semi Facebook rant, but it’s also a few words on a small triumph.
My rant begins with the number of people posting the “STOP DOING THESE THINGS ON FACEBOOK” posts. Stop posting about your kids, your food, your bowel movements. Stop bragging with your holiday snaps. Stop remembering people who died a million years ago. Stop this, stop that, stop communicating on a social network platform.
You know you can shut that shit down, right? Lord knows I’ve done it enough times over the last few weeks. I open Farcebook, looking to see what’s going on with the wedding world, or to see what my awesome mates are getting up to, and come away wondering if I’m actually allowed to post anything on a social platform designed for POSTING AND SHARING. I discovered several wonderful features, maaaaaany months ago. Hide/block/unfriend gets used a lot. As does “do you wish to close this browser?” Why yes, Google Chrome. Yes I fucking do, since everyone is in a shitty mood and I’m supposed to NOT SAY ANYTHING.
But my rant comes, because today I posted this.
I’ve written about my determination to get them into private school many times before.
Now, my friends who give a shit, will know I have been stressed to my goddamn EYEBALLS in the past, trying to sort out good schooling for The Smalls. Their current school is painful. In the last 3 months, I’ve had to rescue Noah’s reading. He’s gone from crying every time I tell him it’s time to read a school book, through to requesting 5 minutes at bedtime to read several chapters of his own books. He despairs with school books. Here at home, we can’t give him enough to read; I’m pre-empting what the hell he could read next. Providing Isaac isn’t in mental crazy-boy mode in the mornings, they both read for 15 minutes when they wake up.
Noah comes home with weekly maths tests, with which he gets no help at school. We, his parents, have no idea of the point of them, what they’re trying to achieve, how we are to help him, IF we are allowed to help him, how often he is to do them…no help. We have no idea. So when Noah came home with the same test again for the umpteenth time because he didn’t get the answers right at school, he was obviously in tears. He’s borderline hating maths. It’s only thanks to twinkl (that site has been a SAVIOUR, that’s for sure) and me saying “fuck it, school, I’m going to teach him MY way”, he has FINALLY clicked how to work through the test with much less help. Was I supposed to help him? Fuck knows. Support from school has been minimal; The Mr and I are still in the dark.
We understand that with the education system the way it is at the mo, you get what you pay for. I know perfectly well that state schools are stretched to stupidly ridiculous levels, and the majority of children are just not getting the full help and care needed. Teachers are being pushed to absolute limits, and many are in the dark on their subjects, as a result. I know; I’ve taught in schools. So, the aim is to send them to private school, to give them the absolute best education we can afford to give them. The schools in our area are not able to give us what we need. I don’t expect my boy to end up in tears every time I ask him to do numeracy or literacy.
Fyi, this morning he said to me “You know, Mommy, I feel much better about my numbers now that you’ve helped me. I think it might be a bit easier now.” Geeze. And if I had stepped back because I had assumed I was not allowed to help? What then?
Anyway. I posted that facebook status, because I am really goddamn pleased to feel that I’m doing all I can to help his education. It is a BLOODY BIG THING to me, making sure that they are BOTH educated people when they grow, with a sense of self, good intelligence, and sound knowledge of important subjects. And of course, rightly so, I’m goddamn proud of my children. So why did I feel immediate guilt when I posted it? Why did I feel that I had to justify posting what I posted?
Why did I think to myself, the actual words, “shit, I better clarify that, as I don’t want people to think I’m bragging about getting them into private school. Hell, maybe I should just delete it?”
I really don’t like myself for thinking that. I wanted to share something with my friends, with people who I thought might give a shit, people who might be mildly interested with our progress, people who are family and want to know what’s going on…it’s my Facebook page and it’s how I let people know stuff. People who care.
So I didn’t delete it, and I’m going to keep posting stuff like that. And I’m going to keep posting how proud I am of my boys. I’m going to keep posting birthday messages to them, and a photo, assuming I remember to do so and haven’t forgotten, because sometimes I’m a douche mom but y’know, it happens.
I’m bloody proud of my kiddos, I’m a foodie, I like photos, and I’m a bloody chatty person. Sooooooo I guess people are going to have to exercise that “STFU” button a little more often where I’m concerned. And now the sun is shining which means it’s time to go outside and play with another camera.
What is Silent Sunday?
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