Ahw.. man. All the soloists got a bunch of flowers last night, and got applauded by the orchestra AND the audience. It never occurred to me to imagine what that’s like, because I’m so used to giving the well deserved recognition to other soloists. It’s the least we can do!
But to be on the receiving end of that…damn. To finish playing, and have people applaud you, and then you walk off stage too early cos you’re thinking “I really should clear off now, it’s someone else’s turn…” only to have someone (cello partner Sally) stage whisper my name really loudly, turn around and see you’re supposed to take the thanks, AND get some flowers…
To a lot of soloists, it’s standard practice. Maybe it’s the norm. Maybe it’s expected. But I could never expect that, perhaps because I’ve spent so long thinking I shouldn’t deserve that. I shouldn’t deserve the recognition, because it seems I’m an asshole of a person, and a shite cellist. Shouldn’t deserve the recognition, or the praise, or the simple act of being given a bunch of flowers as a way of congratulations, or even “thanks for playing”. That’s what I’ve been led to believe for how many years.
I’ve learned a lot during my time in the industry, and most of it was learned in the wrong way, which left me sad and broken, confused, hurt, and mostly, humble. BUT, I’m thankful for the things I’ve learned now, just since joining WSO in October. I’m finally starting to trust people in this industry again, and that’s taking a MASSIVE upheaval in everything I already know. It’s hard to change to something new, when you know nothing about that something new.
It’s hard to trust people in a world where you have never, ever, EVER known trust.
I’ve just put my flowers in water (yes it’s taken me nearly 24 hours to do so – I still can’t believe that they’re mine, or believe the reason they were given to me), and they’re an epic reminder of what I’ve battled through.
To everyone else, they’re just flowers. To me, they’re a bloody massive achievement. And it’s nice to feel cautiously proud about that.
*Emotionally exhausted face*
PS Thanks for sharing this teeny tiny journey with me. So many people said “you’ll be fine”, but the fact is, no one knew that for certain. Even The Mr and I didn’t know that for certain. (One day I’ll talk about The Bow Shakes, and the continuing Asshole Voices In My Head.) Those of you who knew of the Shit Storm, I cannot thank you enough for the genuine encouragement and support. I want to thank you individually, but right now I kinda wanna sleep for a week… 🙂
PPS OMFG MY NAME IS ON A POSTER, YO.