Although if I’m honest, I’ve been pretty fucking angry for years.
I’m pissed about the cancer, I’m pissed about how certain family members are behaving, I’m pissed about what I have to do, I’m pissed about what I don’t get to do, I’m pissed about the decisions I’m making, I’m pissed about flailing stupidly with my work, I’m pissed that I’m an asshole with The Smalls and The Mr, and I’m pissed that I’m constantly pissed.
Normally, anger comes to me, and I deal with it pretty quick. I shrug it off.
But right now, it comes in waves, and I actually want to punch seven kinds of shit out of everything in my site.
And it’s not just because of the cancer.
I think, actually, the main reason has been exacerbated by this cancer episode, and it’s all completely out of my hands. I can’t even step away, because I’m constantly dragged back.
Basically, I’m beginning to wonder if I was adopted into a family which lived in a different realm to me.
I don’t hate them, but I do constantly find myself asking what the hell I did to deserve this.
(I didn’t do anything, I think. But I guess everything I go through, and what they put me/themselves through, is all part of this cycle called life. And I guess it’s all contributory, or something).
Needless to say, I can’t and won’t go into detail; that would be really unfair. But lord knows, I have felt lonely as fuck since the day I was able to remember a single thought. And stupidly, like some kind of dick, I’ve spent the majority of my life thinking that one day it would all change. At this very moment in time, I feel so much resentment for everything and everyone, and I’m having a tough time shaking it.
And it’s tough to shake it, because every single time I’m with them, I’m reminded of the things I should be doing, which I am doing, and yet I still don’t seem to be doing enough of it. I’m constantly pulled left and right, and seem to have no energy left to look after me and my own. And of course, when I do take a breather to look after those closest to me, I end up feeling guilty for telling everyone else to step the fuck back out of my face.
I’m exhausted from being so angry.
My dad has (had?) one of the worst tempers I have ever seen in my entire life. He has (had?) this amazing ability to fly off the handle and quite literally tear someone a new one. Have you ever watched LEGO Ninjago: Masters of Spinjitsu? You know when they turn into those spinning tornado things? It’s like that. But with swearing and violence.
I realised all too soon that I carried that same temper, too. A family member used to love pointing it out to me, like some hilarious flaw to constantly feel bad about. “Hahahah you’re just like your dad.” That’s hard to hear, given that everyone was afraid of him, and few family members like him.
I fucking hated that temper, but it made me headstrong. It gave me strength when I needed to stand up for myself, or for other people. I couldn’t ditch the temper, and I couldn’t suppress it, so I guess I learned how to use.
But now it’s like some shitty motherfucking emotion which is spinning out of control.
I almost lost my rag this week at another family member who is being nothing short of evil with dad. I had to walk away, before I said or didn’t something I couldn’t comprehend, or would totally regret. I think the fact that we were in the hospital at the time, right outside dad’s bay, prevented the red mist from descending.
In my house, there’s a door from the kitchen out into the hallway. There’s a dent in the door, maybe just below head height.
I did it.
In the pits of my worst depressive episode since living in this house (maybe 13 years now), I pretty much lost my shit, and hit the door with my fist. That was several years ago. It’s a horrible but very real reminder.
I am so very fucking angry right now. All the issues I have with people in my life, all I want to do is go scream about those issues, with those people, directly in their faces. Every so often, I can vividly picture what that might look like; my heart rate speeds up a little, shoulders are up by my ears, and my jaw aches from non-stop clenching. The eternal migraine, as a result of these responses, is really fucking boring me now.
The thing is, everything that is happening right now has pulled me into a world which I want absolutely NOTHING to do with. I don’t feel that I want any of it. Not. One. Bit. I selfishly want to live in ignorance, and pretend that my little world is completely fine.
Which is hilarious, because I’ve never lived like that, nor could I deal with that.
I could pretend that everything is fine; I can nod and shake my head at the right time, and I can pretend to let stuff wash over me, I can pretend like I care when actually I couldn’t give a flying fuck.
Actually that’s bollocks – I can’t do any of those.
I probably care too much.
And I swear to lucifer, the next person who tells me I’m overthinking it all, or I should just stop thinking about it too much, or anything which is basically asking me to just suddenly be somebody else, is probably not going to get a nice response. It’ll be short, but it won’t be nice.
Annoyingly, I can’t even seem to do the things which help me chill out. I have hula hoops which I need to tape, my cello needs to be dusted off ready to potentially start teaching, and in fact we all (in this house) went to the park recently (I have no idea when. Last week? Week before? Last year?) and I learned two new moves. I’ve been trying to learn them for about 5 months, on and off.
I should have been ecstatic.
I felt less than meh.
And then I come home, and amble around trying to be busy, and all I can think about is that I have exactly zero money, exactly zero income, two children who wonder when their mother is going to calm the fuck down, a family that I cannot make work no matter how much it is requested of me, and a headache which I’m pretty certain is going to make me add a second dent to the door.
This. Shit. Needs. To. Stop.
PS There’s no Silent Sunday this week, a) because I’ve not taken a single damn photo of anything, b) because I need this blog to be MY little safe space without being invaded, and c) because right now, I just cannot be fucking arsed.