I’m very…raw. At the moment.
Very alive, very awake, very alert. Seeing lots of things.
It’s almost like I’ve awoken after the motherfucker of all sleeps.
There are a number of reasons this has happened, some obvious, others not so, to an outsider. That works for me; I don’t want everything laid out bare. Not yet.
Over the last few days, I’ve had an overwhelming amount of support, more than I could ever have asked for. Beyond more than I hoped or dreamed. There are emails and messages and texts and what else, and I do want to reply to them all.
One of the greatest things I’ve been able to do lately, though, is remain strong. I’ve been fucking scared, TERRIFIED of the potential life in front of me; but then I had to ask myself WHY I was terrified. I did, and it turned out I didn’t need to be quite as terrified as I thought. I am strong, though I don’t always feel it. But I am. I’m sure I am.
I proved that to myself over the last few days. My heart has been absolutely all over the shop. Broken, cracked, repaired, plastered, healed, smashed, protected, bared – everything. And each time, I’m repairing it as fast as it gets dented. That’s hard. That’s tough. But I’ve found different ways to do it. Mostly, through what I’ve found in other people.
There’s a network of people – they don’t know who they are and I would rather not say for fear of changing the balance – whom have helped me in the most obscure ways possible. I haven’t always wanted internet hugs, sometimes I’ve needed other things. A laugh, a distraction, news, info, guidance, a boost. Those things. Things which are hard to come by from every-day people who don’t really understand.
I’ve found that, whilst they are being there for me, just being there for them helps me too. Maybe it’s the distraction, maybe it’s the self satisfaction, maybe it’s personal growth, I don’t know.
I feel everything that’s going on; my senses are like a fucking sponge, and I’m picking up everything. So when I wanted to let go of it all, when my heart and soul were pretty much done with everything, I spun it around and went for the exact opposite. I’ve held on, to life, friends, to people I need, and hope might need me. What’s down that new path I’m on? Fuck knows. I expect most of them will be gone, and I’ll be in different circles. That’s how social media dictates us these days.
But, y’know, just being there helps. Sometimes it’s all I want, sometimes it’s all I can give.
If more people could just do that, just be there, life would be pretty fucking cool, to be fair.