This morning, I played my cello for an hour. I put it down maybe 15 minutes ago.
It’s been fucking amazing, but not for the reasons I thought it would be, actually it’s been because I said FUCK YOU classical music.
Every time I play, I play something “traditionally classical”. Which is ironic, because I’m anything but traditional, OR classical. So, I dug out an old YouTube fave and wondered if I could play along.
Turns out, I could. And quite easily too. I’ve listened to it so many times, but never thought to play along.
And then of course, I went through the rest of their playlist, seeing what else I recognised and could play along with. I enjoyed Smooth Criminal and We Found Love WAY MORE than I thought I ever would. And an hour later, I was still enjoying playing along.
Now, my playing was FAR from accurate. FAARRRRRR from accurate. But fuck it – I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed playing so much. I didn’t touch any classical stuff. And even while I was playing, I remembered how much I enjoyed playing all the NON classical stuff. All the NON traditional stuff. The bands I used to play in, the gigs where I was electric cello on stage, the stuff that didn’t require me to follow the dots to perfection. I was so busy playing this one, that I didn’t even notice the ensemble sitting behind them at first.
I’ve just watched it again, and all I could think was “geeze what a bunch of miserable assholes.”
And then I remembered how I was made to BE one of those miserable assholes, for 26 years. A professional miserable asshole. I recalled all the times when I quite literally just wanted to rock out with my cello, and people thought I was bonkers (oh HAH!) and weird. I fucking hated that, it was a horrible, horrible feeling. Being made to be so serious. So… “contained”. That’s not me. It was never my style.
I’ve been talking to a wonderful person who reckons I’ll be back on stage one day. He only knows some of the pain I’ve been through with music. So I’m not sure he realises how much that idea repulses me. However…
It sure as hell got me thinking about going back to something else. One day, maybe.