I’m reeeeeeeeally tired. I’ve been treading water for months now, and I am reeeeeeeeeeeeally fucking tired. For a while, back there, I was swimming. Like, actual arms and legs going, swimming, moving along. It felt ace it felt like I was actually going somewhere. But I’m tired of swimming now. I confess, for a while, I’ve just been treading water.
See, thing is, my head has dipped below the surface a couple of times. It’s ok though, because I held my breath. I didn’t breathe underwater; I didn’t let my lungs become become full of horrible murky shit.
I didn’t take a breath under there.
And I thought that was pretty cool, because sometimes I was beneath the surface longer than I think I was. But I kept treading water. Just below the surface. That’s a Good Thing, right? Right. Because I know what happens when I stop treading water.
But now I have a problem because I want to stop treading water. I just kind of want to stop breathing. I want to take a break from it, y’know? Maybe just take in one massive mouthful of water. It wouldn’t hurt, would it? It’s not like I’d swallow the water or anything. In fact, maybe I’d just float there, just beneath the surface, unnoticed, undisturbed, unbothered, not moving. Not getting in anyone’s way, not being seen. And I could just lie there. Float there, I think. Like seaweed. Tangled in my own strange mis-shaped mass.
It would be so, SO easy.
I could just do that. It would be a welcome break. Maybe just as long as it takes for me to need to breathe again. It’s not like I’d be quitting; lord knows the guilt placed upon People Who Try To Quit Life. I know that guilt, I’ve dealt with that guilt and it’s oddly unfair.
But then who am I to whine about it? Who am I to complain that I’m tired of everything? Who am i to say it’s unfair? Me, here, who has such a seemingly wonderful life, with amazing children, and a supposedly flourishing career, and wonderfully perfect partner, and lovely little home in the countryside…don’t I have it all? Don’t I have everything I want?
I don’t even know. But I do know that, all of the above doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’m not good at juggling my life, with everything in it. I don’t know how I’m doing it even now.
But I DO know I’ve kinda had enough. I just want to float for a bit. Gulping water.
Maybe breathing water.
It would be ok under there, wouldn’t it? I could just embrace the strange noise pressing in on my ears and mind, instead of fighting it. I could just shut my eyes, and see my own darkness. I wouldn’t even have to look at the darkness that would surround me. Close my eyes. Keep them shut, and just breathe water instead. It would be strangely peaceful, I’m sure of it. And easier, too. Who says I have to keep treading water? It’s so hard. It’s too hard, for me, I’m sure.
Float onto my front, face down, and gulp. Then I could just stop. Just for a while.
It would only be for a while. Just a little while. Just a quick break. Just for everything to stop, just for a bit. Just one gulp.